There's no real happy ever after

When Scott and I got married, I personally vowed that we wouldn't morph into those married couples that only have married friends. I love my single friends and I don't want to give that world up. And I thought we were doing a pretty good job at maintaining and growing those relationships...up until recently. Now, when I bow out of invites because of prior engagements or just plain utter fatigue, i get this strange nod and the "yah, that's because you guys are married now." uh huh, that is true. we are married. now. I can't argue with that. I just don't know what it means when used as a response. Is my busy schedule seen as sort of cop-out? Am I no longer relatable...as if I have somehow forgotten about 28 years of singleness after 11.5 months of marriage. I suddenly feel like I don't belong in my own world. So it got me started reminiscing about if "single" keao was really that different from "married" keao.

For starters, "single" keao didn't always enjoy being single but had to fake it at times. My college girlfriends were the cast of "sex-in-the-city" misplaced five thousand miles from New York. Except, I always felt a little more "Charlotte" than a "Miranda." (Sorry, you might have had to watch the show to get that un-Seinfield reference). I wanted to get married...I wanted a family...one day. If you know me, like my sisters, I've been gifted with the baby-crazy genes. Course, I didn't feel I could run around shouting it at the top of my lungs lest I be banned from participating in the rousing arm-pumping, group dance when Destiny Child's call to all "Independant Women" blared from the club's speakers.

It was almost a relief when I found a few new friends in mini-church who whispered that they were praying that God would send their husbands already. I know girls who have prayed...prayed...made lists...prayed....even fasted....prayed...you get the gist. I marveled at people my age who were already married. Their grass seemed so green. Mine wasn't green...heck, there didn't even seem to be grass in my lawn. And there's that fear that follows you, are all your efforts to find possibilities a big joke because God has given you the feared "gift of singleness." One of the most comforting things I ever heard was a older, professional married woman who was just sharing testimony at a women's workshop. And she flashed back to her walk as a single Christian woman and all the worries of wondering whether she would ever get married. What? Even those shiny-happy people with green lawns are just as flawed and worried as me?

As Scott and I hit our one-year anniversary in about 2 weeks, I realize that your grass doesn't get greener, it just turns a different color. I love Scott and finding him/making it work was worth all the bad mistakes, bad relationships, and years of worrisome nothing. But there's no happy ever after once you hit a wedding day. It's just a slight jump from one ramp to the next. I asked another married friend how long she had been married and she said "two years" followed by an exclamation "woo hoo, we made it." As if we hit the magical ending of the movie, and we can now roll the credits. We teased her about it for a while but it was a funny take on...this is just the beginning of hard stuff. My grass isn't greener. I'm happier but not because I'm better. If I'm a different keao, its not just because I'm married. It's because I'm trying to grow up.

I feel like that song...I'm just trying to "find my place in this world." Bear with me.
(Stolen from scott's youtube. my wedding slideshow)