God's teaching me to wakeboard
I've made no secret of it, this year has been brutal for me. I didn't have an idealic childhood and I've had to battle a lot in my life, but this year puts the rest to shame. Maybe it really is harder than the 30 years before it, or maybe I'm fatigued and losing strength in the third round. I just feel attacked on every angle possible...a big one being family, losing best friends, some health issues, pressure at work growing alarmingly fast. I've had to retreat at times and focus on regaining hope, because that's the critical ingredient. And I set back out with one foot forward saying "I'm going to do it...I'm going to survive." And I won't lie, I've gotten knocked down again. I have been praying for the year to turn around. Now with under two months left, I've changed to praying that this year just ends.
This past weekend, I fell back into the valleys and I thought "this is it, I can't get up again. Just leave me alone" But, the next morning brought renewed strength and glimmers of hope peeking through my fog of depression. Totally not of my own doing. Those embers of strength grew stronger and the glimmers glowed longer and brighter until I found myself back on my feet again. Ready to face life and still in the race. And God put something upon my heart. This year has been a battlefield. I no longer speak to my mother (which is not new) but now I have not spoken to my father in months. I've been on the phone hearing about my brother's (on the big island) attempt to hurt himself and threatening to commit suicide and sat in the hospital after another family member tried to end their life. And still not even the hardest situation we've had to face this year. I feel people turn to me for answers and I want to offer comfort but they may not get my answer. I have God. That's all I can really offer..
I have been complaining about just feeling battered and abused from every angle. But this past week, I had a image in my head. I'm riding out a storm but I'm not commanding a big boat with billowing sails. I'm in the water clinging to a rope and the reason I'm still moving is that God is pulling me. He's pulling me as fast and as quick as He can to get me out of this storm. I'm getting tossed about by the waves and the rain is cold darts on my skin, but He's pulling me through.
I had someone try to teach me to wakeboard once. I couldn't stand up until my 12th try which was super frustrating for me. The guy teaching me kept yelling me "don't try to stand up, that's why you're falling." I thought it was pure foolery, don't you have to stand to wakeboard? He'd pull the boat forward again and the rope would jerk me and I would face plant...again. Same thing, he'd yell "don't try to stand up." Frustration. I was so confused because I was insistent that I was not trying to stand up. Each time I concentrated and was confident that I wasn't trying to stand up, but each time I fell. I was running out of time, so the last time, I actually fought the urge to stand up by relaxing everything, almost to the point where I felt like I was sinking beneath the water. The boat jerked and I was up and wakeboarding...for 23.4 seconds. I'm revisiting that lesson on the ocean. God's teaching me to wakeboard and I have to fight the urge to stand up by myself. It's when I sit back and let God take over that I find myself standing up above the waves.
I'm not preaching a happy ending. I haven't gotten there yet. I know most stories offer "this is the troubles and storms I faced and look at how perfect everything is now." This is "Hey there, friend, having a rough year. I'm there with you. But we'll get through it." Like that wakeboarding lesson, I'll faceplant often. I might forget everything I've learned. But I know that God will keep pulling that rope as long as we are holding on to it.
